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| Clearly, it's been awhile, since it just took me at least two minutes to figure out how to post a new entry.
Out of curiousity, I just checked in here yesterday to see what was going on. It's nice to see Xanga hasn't changed all that much. Looking back at some of these incredibly tortured and confused posts it's pretty amazing how few of these questions have been answered, and how little of my anxiety has been soothed. Undoubtedly, like how trees add rings and hence thickness as they age, I've done the same. The skin is thicker, but underneath the same rivers flow. It's been a true ebb and flow, though. And I'm still making the choice to be optimistic.
On a parting note, I'd like to share this with y'all. How far along are you?
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| it's strange walking through the house you grew up in and hearing it echo when you clamber down the steps because it's been emptied out. hollow. four lives transported in boxes down the street, leaving only a silent witness to nearly thirty years of quiet family stories both secret and known. it's strange to walk into a freshly painted room with newly lacquered floors and remember exactly how the room used to be - there's no wondering about the history of that room because you lived it. you hung your sweaters and your first suit up in that closet, and your bed over there in the corner against the window was where you cried for a week when he broke up with you. there are no dust bunnies under the bed anymore, no forgotten copies of the nancy drew files or art spiegelman's maus (reading material from nine to sixteen), no desk strewn with resumes and crane's heavy paper like when you job hunted for months when you first came home. no - there's just nothing.
the story has left the building.
is it really true that the japanese say that a man is whatever room he is in at the moment? what about a woman?
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| ugh. modern life is a total drag. but i guess even history was modern once.
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| been having the strangest dreams lately! two days ago, right before i woke up i had a dream that i had received a suicide note via text from a friend - very jarring and strange. luckily, he was fine and there is no logical reason on earth why he should have been the subject of such a dream.
today, during an afternoon catnap, i dreamt that i got a tattoo. i don't know how i got snookered into it, but i remember it not really hurting that much (ha) and falling asleep during the process, and also not knowing what the tattoo looked like. when i woke up - in the dream - the tattoo lady just sent me on my way, and i remember wondering, shouldn't i be bandaged or something? i took a look in the mirror and somehow i'd gotten a rose tattooed on my butt - at first i was relieved, because it was only on my butt. then i remembered some advice given to me regarding tattoos once - that you shouldn't get one somewhere where you'll eventually sag and morph and fall victim to gravity, and my heart sank a little bit.
then somehow upon closer examination i realized that my entire back had been tattooed too. this was the point where i got a little upset and started regretting my blind and rash decision - now i could never wear anything that revealed the back without showing all this crap! it was some sort of series of lines and flowers all over my back, with some blue thrown in for good measure.
i was already thinking about how painful it would be to get all the tattoos laser removed when i woke up, to my great relief, and realized that i was not in the least bit tattooed. my skin is still in the clear!
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| my oh my and goodness gracious, where on earth does time go? here it is, september and i haven't written a lick all summer. and i now consider summer to be officially over.
here i sit, a little bit older, a little bit tanner, a little bit more of everything. i've done a lot, and probably haven't done as much as i could've. but here i am. i made it!
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